In an effort to drum up some more freelance magazine writing opportunities I've been writing short personal articles. For example:
Husbands! We Love ‘Em, But…
When Mars weds Venus… Entering the marital galaxy.
The last time I almost killed my husband occurred on the Lord’s Day, after church. Most Sunday mornings I have to arrive to church early because I sing. These mornings I take my husband’s truck and he arrives with our son in my car (that’s better than swapping out the car seat). Leaving my husband to wake, feed, and dress our child is scary enough (you never know what the kid will be wearing and many Sundays our son arrives with a tidal wave of a hairdo because Dad didn’t bother to locate the brush), but recently I learned the truck itself can be a danger. My husband knew I’d be driving his truck that morning, but did he bother to warn me that he was out of gas? Uh, of course not.
I made it to church fine, but after church when I was driving downtown to meet some girlfriends for lunch I felt an unusual shaking that caused my eyes to check the gages. I was nowhere near a gas station, so I decided to keep going, counting on making it there, and then, when we finished, getting a few miles up the road to fill up. But no such luck.
While looking for a parking spot I ended up on a hill, and then I ended up rolling back down that hill. The truck gave up in the middle of an intersection at the bottom. I attempted (in heels) to move the truck, but quickly abandoned this idea, choosing instead to flick on the hazards and rustle up help. Two men pushed the truck to a curb, I phoned my husband to come with gas, and then I walked the rest of the way to the restaurant.
Husbands! We love them, but…
I have heard women complain that their spouses have selective hearing, but my husband also seems to have selective blindness. Him: “Honey, where’s the mayonnaise?” Me: “Fridge door, bottom shelf.” Him: “No, I looked there.” I then proceed to show him the mayonnaise in the fridge door on the bottom shelf.
My husband can do a masterful job cleaning the dishes but be utterly blind to the crumbs left on the kitchen counter and table. Because I love and vowed to stay married to him in spite of his peculiar disabilities I have accepted that my husband can only prepare food if I locate his ingredients, and that he can clean up, but his capabilities are limited by his male blindness disease.
There is side of me I don’t listen to as often as I could, this side of me is a humble woman who recognizes the parts of her own personality that prove equally frustrating and annoying to the man who vowed to love me in spite of my own quirks. There’s my, Sweetheart-I-tried-one-thing-to-fix-the-computer-and-it-didn’t-work-so-stop-watching-your-favorite-show-and-get-in-here-NOW disease I sometimes get (also known as selfishness and impatience) or my, Yes-I-just-left-to-get-the-mail-but-I-habitally-lock-the-door-so-COME-LET-ME-IN (also known as weirdness and impatience). But enough about me…
A lot of men steal the sheets but my husband has the audacity to do this and then blames it me! He insists I should hold my side of the sheet, or he offers up a theory that I give him the sheets in my sleep so that I’ll have something else to fuss at him about. And he’s being serious!
About five year’s ago on our wedding day the pastor joked (and warned) that we had no idea what we were getting into. I didn’t know this meant that every time we got in the car we’d argue over which route to take even if we’re only going to a restaurant down the street or that my husband would irritate me by asserting his opinion on how I should cut onions. (Augh, the joys of marrying an engineer…)
There are many days I look at my husband and realize I accidentally married a space alien. Sure, I’d prayed over my decision to date and eventually marry him, but I guess love prevented me from finding God’s human best for my life, and I ended up with my guy, who seems more like a cosmic experiment, sent to test the limitations of this unsuspecting female.
But I’ve accepted my fate.
The next five years will undoubtedly prove interesting.
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