Where I Stand
When you’re a child you can only imagine your life one way – the way it is at the age you’re imagining your future life. All my childhood stories include Kim, so I always imagined my stories with Kim would continue -- that we would grow older but stay together. Someday we would live side by side, our kids playing just as we had, an endless cycle of friendship.
I never imagined I could lose her. We haven’t lived in the same neighborhood since I was thirteen and she twelve, but we always managed to stay in touch, cross paths. We used to call ourselves mermaid sisters, so I always thought that no matter how far apart we grew, we would always be swimming in the same sea, forever connected by the memories and waters of Horseshoe.
I took for granted that this would always be so, that I could swim back in Kim’s direction at will, that she’d be there waiting for me like a stored attic treasure abandoned until a rainy Sunday’s wave of nostalgia brings it to the light of day, if only for an afternoon. It’s been six years since I’ve seen Kim, at least four since we’ve spoken. Every year I’ve sent a Christmas card and once or twice I’ve received one from her. I had no reason to believe she’d disappear, that when I wanted her, she’d be gone.
Justin proposed during my second year of grad school when I came down for Christmas break. I called Kim to let her know but was only able to leave messages. Justin and I had been engaged for three months when he came to Montana to visit me during my spring break. We’d set a wedding date for August but were still at the beginning stages of planning and had thousands of remaining details. Making decisions for a Florida ceremony and reception while living in Montana with absolutely no help from my still work-obsessed mother felt impossible. I started joking about eloping. The follow-through I blame on hormones.
The line Justin and I had drawn for the physical part of our relationship continued to be pushed further back with each overnight visit. During his stay we’d planned a three-night camping trip, but I had no idea how we’d spend three nights in a tent together without giving up completely. The night before the trip we lay in bed kissing. My shirt came off, then my bra, hands were up, then down… finally I pulled away.
“Let’s get married tomorrow,” I said.
Justin stared at me. “Are you being serious?”
I nodded, reaching for my clothes. “This camping trip can be our honeymoon.” I smiled and kissed his cheek, holding my top across my chest. “I’ll let you go all the way if you make an honest woman out of me.”
“We’re going to Italy on our honeymoon. I’ve already booked the tickets.”
“We can still have the reception and the Italy honeymoon as planned but let’s change the wedding date.”
“My family might kill me. You don’t want a dead husband. Let’s just kiss.” He leaned forward again and tugged at my shirt. I pushed him away.
“We could buy the rings in the morning, grab some witnesses, get married, and then go camping. If we get married, tomorrow night you can make love to me under the stars.” This was an exaggeration. There was still snow on the ground, so we’d be seeing the stars through the mesh top of my tent.
“We’d cancel the ceremony in August?” I could tell he wanted to give in, but was still working out the details in his mind.
“But still have the reception. A celebratory party.”
“My mother might have a heart attack.”
“Blame it on my divorced parents. Say the details of pleasing everyone was getting too stressful for me.”
“Then you could move in with me this May as soon as you got done with school.” Additional benefits of my proposal were slowly occurring to him.
“Exactly. I won’t have to spend the summer living with my mother.”
The fact that the next time I’d be coming to Florida I could move in with him for good sealed the decision in Justin’s mind.
When we returned from our camping trip I started making phone calls to announce our elopement. I called Kim but her roommate answered and said that Kim was out with her boyfriend. She gave me Kim’s cell phone number, but rather than dial it I continued down my list. Christie needed to know she wouldn’t have to fork down a deposit on a bridesmaids dress after all.
Justin returned to Florida and began house shopping. I grew busy polishing my thesis, a collection of short stories. I decided to write out the explanation of our impromptu wedding in a card I sent Kim. I still didn’t hear from her, but later when I mailed an invitation for our reception, Kim mailed in her RSVP affirming her attendance. I looked forward to getting to see her again, but the day of the party I was so busy with the other two hundred guests that I didn’t notice Kim hadn’t appeared. Her absence finally occurred to me while on the plane for my second honeymoon.
Before the reception, I’d been busy with the party details, then the Italy trip: Venice, Florence, an afternoon in Sienna before heading off to Rome. Ruins, Piazzas, and Tartufo. After the honeymoon, I was able to settle into the role of a young bride as I’d always imagined it should be. I worked to decorate our home, visiting antique stores and novelty shops for special touches, even ordering a stained glass panel from a local artist to hang in our living room window. I subscribed to home magazines and tried new recipes. We settled on a church and discussed getting a dog.
During the day Justin went to work and I stayed home to write. I published a poem and continually sent out the stories from my thesis collection with no success. In that first year of marriage I received one phone message from Kim who said she was in need of travel advice. In love, she and her new man were planning a trip to Europe. I called her back but never got through, not even to a machine or voice mail.
For our second anniversary I gave Justin a card with a baby on the cover. Inside I wrote, “Love of my life, let’s make a baby.”
After that I went off the pill. As I entered into this new stage I again, wanted to let Kim know. I’d misplaced her cell phone number, but I called her home number without success. I called off and on for a month and sent a few emails but never got through. My emails were returned with failure notices. Mysterious. I still didn’t want to admit that I also found it alarming.
We couldn’t conceive. The problem wasn’t with him. Or with me. We just inexplicably couldn’t conceive. I wondered if I couldn’t get pregnant because of Kim or the shell or other lingering Horseshoe darkness. Perhaps there was a second curse, a curse on the daughters. We couldn’t bear children. Kim had already miscarried once and now I couldn’t conceive. Was there a cruel twist of fate that the girls who’d uncursed the boys hadn’t managed to save themselves? I pushed the thoughts aside. Justin and I decided on fertility treatments.
I became so wrapped up in the business of getting pregnant, I lost track of everything else, all of my friends, save a few women at my church I relied on for support. I prayed away my fears and kept hidden the surfacing questions. After swimming in those waters. Am I tainted somehow?
Twelve weeks into a stable pregnancy we made the news public, but I still couldn’t get a hold of Kim. My letter explaining the news, detailing our struggles came back to me. I grew alarmed. Panicked. It seemed like an ill omen. I tried not to let my thoughts give way to superstition. Christians aren’t supposed to put stock in that sort of thing, but I still had unnerving suspicions.
And now, five months into a stable pregnancy I see my life as a beautifully spun web, connected delicately to all that I need to sustain me, but an important cord has been severed for which I could suffer deeply. Justin blames my moodiness on the pregnancy, assures me that Kim would surface. She’s probably moved and would call soon with new contact information. My head believes this, but my heart worries.
When we were little we’d compete to see who could swim underneath the water the longest amount of time and when we’d finally relent we’d come up gasping for air. I’ve done all the laps I’m able and I am exhausted.
since you're giving up on this one, are you going to let us know what happened to kim?
Posted by: jaime | March 17, 2007 at 08:27 PM