One

You may hear me say that I grew up an only child.  And then you may also hear me mention my older brother.  In neither case will I be lying.  I have three half siblings and growing up they lived with us sometimes but mostly times I don't remember.  I did, however, remain close to one of my brothers which was a way smart move because he has three beautiful daughters who are my nieces and also my friends.  

Yup, so I was an only child and I'm the youngest.  Add to that, that on my mom's side, I was the only grandchild. Put all that together and surely I was the most spoiled rotten, obnoxious brat ever.  Except not really.  I was spoiled.  I AM spoiled.  But it was balanced.  As an only child I was exposed to so much, often treated like an adult ("little person" my dad always said) and it matured me so that I never felt entitled.  

So, the usual concern, only children are selfish, wasn't really a fear for me.  And I know families that are full and complete with only one son or daughter.  I'm totally for it.

Yet this isn't what I wanted for my own family.  Can't really pinpoint why, but I never figured Kevin and I would stop at one.  And once we had Kaden I knew we wouldn't stop at one.  For one thing, I realized that as a mother, I micromanage like you wouldn't believe, and poor Kaden deserved to have my attention divided. For another, Kaden and I are very, very opposite personality wise and since I stay home, we certainly needed another personality (or two) tossed into the mix to make things easier on both of us.  And finally, we felt strongly about foster parenting and eventually adopting again, and we knew we had resources we needed to share with more kiddos.  We knew this is what God was calling us to do.

But I have friends who are, at least, paused at one, (I guess only time will tell if their families are indeed complete.) and I asked two of them to talk about their thoughts on life with one.

Here are Courtney and Avery:  

Aren't they beautiful?!  You can tell from this picture that Avery is trouble.  And she is.  She also thinks she is going to marry Kaden which is a terrific idea, I think.

Me: You have one daughter, what's the best thing about life with Avery?
The best thing about life with Avery is watching her learn and discover the world. I love seeing things through her eyes. I love watching her mind work until she figures out the problem. I love the excitement she has for the simplest of tasks. 

Is there a worst thing, or perhaps an aspect of life with Avery you think would be made easier with a sibling (or two or five) around?
I think Avery would learn to share more if she had siblings. Sharing toys, food, and attention. We try to teach her sharing but siblings would make that a constant reality for her.

Do you think Avery will be an only child, or do you plan on having more?
Most days I feel that she will be an only child. It was difficult for the year and a half that we were trying to conceive. I remember the disappointment I felt every month when I realized I was not pregnant. I do occasionally think about a sibling for her but those thoughts don't usually last long.

How many siblings do YOU have? Your hubby? Does this factor into what you picture a family "should" look like?
I have one sister (5 and a half years older). Ryan has a sister (2 years older). Sometimes I think about some of the things that Avery might miss out on by not having a sibling. But right now our family is the best picture of family I know. Minus our precious Timber of course.  (Timber was their dog, and one of the dogs I had in mind when I posted this.)

Other factors... Are there other factors into the "how many" question for you and your husband? (Finances? God? The environment? Wanting the other gender?)

Several factors I suppose play a role in our decision right now.
 Money- definitely. Hard to think about putting another child through college
 Environment- We Americans over consume everything. The population of this nation is way over populated and over used. 
 Gender- Not sure that I can handle another girl. Avery and I have enough conflict. Might be worse with another girl. Plus worry about being disappointed if not a boy.
 Adoption- There are so many children that need loving parents so at times when we are discussing expanding our family I can't help but think of adoption. But then the fear of birth parent problems scare me.

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And then I couldn't stop at asking only one person, so I reasked these questions to my friend Christie who also has one little girl, Anna.  
Aren't they so cute?

  

Me: You have one, three-year-old daughter, what's the best thing about life with Anna?

I have to pick only one best thing?  This week, I think the best thing about life with Anna is how entertaining and interesting she is.  We love listening to her stories, ideas, and her unique take on life and everything in her world.  Some of the things that come out of her mouth are pee-your-pants funny.  She’s also really expressive with her face and hands, so we end up laughing at how animated she is.  Everything is fun to her!  

Is there a worst thing, or perhaps an aspect of life with Anna you think would be made easier with a sibling (or two or five) around?

Where we feel the lack of siblings the most is in teaching her that the world does not revolve around her wants, opinions, and feelings.  I think teaching that lesson would be easier with some concrete, daily evidence of this fact in the form of a sibling.  It would probably go a long way in teaching her patience as well!        

Do you think Anna will be an only child, or do you plan on having more?  Either way, why?!

I don’t know the answer to this question.  Right now, we don’t have plans for another child, but we didn’t have a plan for Anna either, and that seems to have worked out well for us.  I would love to have at least one more child and adopt one (for a total of three), but I can’t see that happening any time in the near future.  Brandon is open to having another baby “some day” or adopting, but I think he would be just as content to have only Anna.  

While I feel like our family is complete right now, I don’t like the idea of Anna being an only child.  I have always loved the idea of a big family and all the connectedness that comes from having lots of siblings and cousins.  I know this is morbid, but someday, Brandon and I will die, and when that happens, I don’t want her to be without close family. 

How many siblings do YOU have?  Your hubby?  Does this factor into what you picture a family "should" look like?

Absolutely!  This has played a HUGE factor in our respective views of what a family should look like.  I have one sibling, a younger brother.  Brandon is an only child…and he was adopted.  Brandon doesn’t know anything but being the (very special) one and only child and never really felt the desire for a sibling (as far as I know).  I grew up with a younger brother and always admired the larger families I saw and read about, especially those with sisters.  It was a long road to contentment for me when we didn’t follow up with child number two a couple years after Anna.        

Other factors... Are there other factors into the "how many" question for you and your husband? (Finances? God? The environment?)  Explain! 

There are so many things that factor into our plan (or lack thereof) for more children, the foremost being that we haven’t had health insurance.  Giving birth is expensive! 

There are other things I consider when I think about another child.  Brandon is a musician, so he works late hours and travels a lot, which leaves the majority of the child-care and household responsibilities to me.  (While I love being a mommy, I’m so not cut out to be a housekeeper.)  Could I handle two kids on my own?  Being a musician is also an expensive profession, with instruments and all the gear that goes with it.  Can we afford everything that goes with another kid?  Would I have to go back to work full-time?  (Sometimes I think it would be the end of the world and sometimes I think I would really enjoy it!)  Anna would be at least four years older than her brother or sister.  Do I really want kids that far apart?  Would the age difference keep them from having a close relationship?  We live in a small two-bedroom townhouse.  We literally don’t have room for another child. 

And then there’s adoption, which opens up an additional world of questions.  I would love to experience another pregnancy, but what about all the kids already born who need a home?  Do I really need to bring another child into this crazy world?  And wouldn’t it be great to adopt a little boy, since Brandon was adopted?            

Anything else?

Brandon and I believe in God’s plan for our family.  When we get to a place (if ever) that another child is an option for us, we’ll trust God to guide our decision.  If that means God gives us the go ahead for adoption, then great!  If His guidance is to try for another baby, then that’s great too.  And if He says our family is complete as it is, then we’ll trust Him in that. 

Of course, Anna wasn’t planned and everything’s turned out wonderfully, so I’m always open to surprises!

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Thanks again, Courtney and Christie for sharing your experiences.  Oh and Christie blogs here if you want to read more about her or Anna.

Any one out there paused or stopped at one?  Pick any or all of these questions and answer in the comment section.  I'd love to read more answers!

Tomorrow I'll have Q and A's on life with two.