Because Ann Coulter Needs to Improve Her Vocabulary

Dear Ms. Coulter,

I wanted to talk to you about a couple of tweets you deemed worthy of putting out into the universe. Personally, I think you could have used some editing before you hit that little “tweet” button. So! Here comes some FREE editing advice from a gal who graduated with honors in English and even went on to earn a Master of Fine Arts degree in writing.

I know! You are SO welcome!

One of the tweets in question:

            I highly approve of Romney's decision to be kind and gentle to the retard. 

Because apparently you never took seriously any of the backlash after you tweeted:

            Been busy, but is Obama STILL talking about that video? I had no idea how crucial the retarded vote is in this election.

Amazingly enough I do not follow you on twitter; when you happen to show up on a talk show I watch, I hit the skip button on my remote till you're gone; and even though I read dozens of books each year, alas, none have been penned by you. You see, I am a mother of three young boys, and I do not have the energy it would take to add myself to your audience.

How do I even know about your questionable vocabulary? I can run, but I just can't hide. A story was shared by a facebook friend and it showed up in my feed. My friend who shared the "news" is the mother of two children affected by Fragile X Syndrome. We are friends because the youngest of my three sons also has Fragile X, a spectrum disorder with symptoms similar to autism. It causes speech impairment, sensory processing issues, severe anxiety, mental disability, and a whole slew of other things. 

You'd probably call him a retard.

I'd prefer you call him Toby.

(Here is the part of the letter where I will struggle with an internal monologue as I type. Christian first, Mamma Bear second. Come on, Faydra, remember that conversation you had JUST THIS MORNING with Kaden [oldest son] about how people, even when they haven't earned our respect, should still be shown respect because everyone was created by God? I know you want to use that proverbial pen/sword to dice her into itty bitty figerative confetti pieces to be thrown at Obama's literal victory party, but hold back. STAY. THE. COURSE.)

Because Toby has speech delays he sees a speech therapist a few times a week. He is only three and he suffers from a genetic disability, (Yup, it's genetic but has nothing to do with being raised by left-leaners. No, really.) but he is working hard to expand his vocabulary. Take inspiration, and do the same!

Here are some words you may not have realized could be used instead of "retard":

idiot

stupid

dumbass (Hmmmm. Are you worried that the use of the word "ass" will offend your supporters from the religious right? Ok, maybe not that one. We are, after all, trying not to offend people here.)

nitwit

blockhead

fool

dolt

clod

dim bulb

dummy

imbecile

None of those words describe my Toby, but technically "retard" does. Seeing the word "retard" used in a slanderous and derogtory way when it can be associated with my precious, perfect-to-me child is hurtful to me now and will be to my son eventually since peeps like you have been so determined to keep it in the everyday slang. Toby is funny and delightful. He's a gift. He's exponential magic. (Feel free to use these expressions when referring to people of the special needs community.)

You aren't really on the lookout for positive descriptions are you? I know, not your thing. Moving on.

Your homework for the evening is to practice using all of my other suggestions in a sentence. You can even tweet them! About Obama! I don't care! 

For extra credit, I'd like you spend a little time at the Spread the Word to End the Word website today, and, in case you missed it the first time, read this essay or maybe this one.

Unlike these parents I don't want your apology or for you to be there to answer to my kid if he comes crying because someone called him a "retard". Personally I want you to go to... (Christian first, Mama Bear second, Christian first...) Go away. I want you to go away. Retire! Surely you've already generated enough shock jock negativity to the world, so you can afford to rest and relax in style! In an effort to assist your departure I promise to never ever ever (And now I'm suddenly singing a Taylor Swift song.) mention you on this blog again. Even if a future news piece shows up indicating that, in fact, you just can't get a grip on the alternative vocabulary choices I've offered, I'll ignore it. Promise. No more free press from me.

All Best,

Faydra Stratton

Comments

[FRAN]

THANK YOU.....

[Melanie]

LOVE this!

[Mary Ellen]

I love this! Great! Couldn't have said it better! MEL proud mom of Peter (21 FRX)

[Ian]

You rule !
Ian ,daddy to Oliver our fragile X
Little champ :-)

[Holly]

Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Awesome! Thank you!